I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
