He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
