Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
