i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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