im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
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