I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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