Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
