How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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