my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
