So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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