I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize