I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
