I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
