First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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