either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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