Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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