i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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