She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
