I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
