this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
