I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
