I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
