I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
