I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
