Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
