Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize