Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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