so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
