Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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