Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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