I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
