ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
