ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
