No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
