sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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