Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
