yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
