she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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