Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
