Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
