need another drink. this is the easiest way
"it" just moved
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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