we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
