So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
