you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
