Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
