apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
