i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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