haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
