I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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