I got chris browned last night
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
