so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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