I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
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