It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
