Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
