I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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