I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
