every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
